Like a bad smell, we’re back again with yet another outre du mur look at acronyms and it’s not bigger, arguably not better and less-rugby related than ever

A rugby player’s career is a short one. A lucky few will stay in the game after their playing days are over, but most will be forced to look for alternative employment. Some could well end up performing mundane duties in an office environment. They’ll quickly discover that for the purposes of internal mail and minutes of meetings, they’ll be referred to by their initials.

But little does that select band of players-cum-possible-office-workers realise they’ll share an acronym with plenty of other weird and wonderful bodies and groups. Let Barry Mutuel be your guide as he looks at the initials of three-name French players, past and present, and what alternatives are out there.

Romain Millo-Chluski (Toulouse & France) – RMC
We kick off this eagerly anticipated fourth tranche of opaquely French rugby-related acronyms by tuning in to Radio Monte Carlo, every playboy’s favourite friend of the airwaves. The Randolph Mountain Club operates out of New Hampshire by maintaining four shelters in the Northern Presidentials, our favourite of which being the wonderfully named Gray Knob. Remote mountains in the USA could be a good hunting ground for the Rare Metals Corporation. No doubt a Rigid Metallic Conduit and Rotating Modulation Collimators mean something to someone, although not us. We end by asking why you’d even consider an unregistered one when you can get hold of a Registered Medical Coder.

Jean-Jacques Crenca (Agen & France) – JJC
Not such a varied bunch here, with the emphasis firmly on education. You’ll have to travel to Illinois if you fancy attending the Joliet Junior College, to Singapore if the Jurong Junior College is more your thing, while you shouldn’t need reminding that John Jay College is one of the more senior colleges of the City University of New York. Youngsters had better watch their step, lest they become the latest statistic for the do-gooders at the Juvenile Justice Clearinghouse and the Juvenile Justice Council. We end proceedings with a mouth-popping visit to the Jamaican Jerk Centre.

Philippe Bernat-Salles (Biarritz & France) – PBS
When a quick snack is called for, there’s nothing quite like a Peanut Butter Sandwich. Unless of course you’re in Agen, in which case stick to their world famous prunes, although be aware of getting a bad dose of Prune Belly Syndrome (parp!). Buzz Lightyear may well own a Polarizing Beam Splitter, although not even such an esteemed space ranger probably knows what problems are rectified by a Pseudo Boolean Solver. California’s Pacific Bulb Society no doubt does sterling work for its members, as does the Pakistan Botanical Society. Post Birth Stress, meanwhile, is best left to those who can treat it.

Jean-Philippe Grandclaude (Perpignan & France) – JPG
For the first time in this latest offering we hit the buffers. The best of a mediocre bunch is the Jewish Physicians Group. There’s something slightly intriguing about the Jefferson Proving Ground. There’ll be egos aplenty at the annual gathering of the American branch of the Joint Presidents Group. The Job Proficiency Guide and Joint Photographic Group bring a low-key ending to an awfully anodyne acronym.

Sebastien Tillous-Borde (Toulon & France) – STB
It’s a case of atlases at the ready as we enquire about the nearest taxi rank at the Slovenian Tourist Board, the Singapore Tourist Board and the Scottish Tourist Board. If you’re on holiday in Tahiti and really need to clean your toilet, get yourself down the local shop and ask for some Super Tropical Bleach. Accountants in eastern China will be well aware of the Shanghai Taxation Bureau, whilst you wouldn’t be surprised if the Chinese government has a Special Troops Battalion. We’re not exactly sure what a Strut Tower Brace is, but it sounds painful, and not even the wonders of the interweb can help shed any light on the purpose of a Schlemmer Test Bed.

Francois Trinh-Duc (Montpellier & France) – FTD
Look no further than the Financial Times Deutschland if you’re after the latest on stocks and shares in Stuttgart. A night on the Oldarki will give even the most hardened drinker a severe case of Formal Thought Disorder. A Fuzzy Torque Distributor sounds as funny as it does obscure, and could be root cause of most cases of Frequency Translation Distortion.

Jean-Baptiste Poux (Toulouse & France) – JBP
Images of giggling schoolboys come to mind when assessing the ins and outs of Jugular Bulb Pressure. The Land of the Rising Sun is well represented by Japanese Beach Press and the Japanese Black Pine. We’re not sure what a Jettison Booster Package is, but if it goes wrong you could always call upon the Joint Blood Program to cure any ills.

Jean-Luc Sadourny (Colomiers & France) – JLS
All you computer boffins will know far more about the intricacies of Java Language Specification than us. We travel east once more to try and get our heads around the Japanese Language System, before even attempting to hold court with the Japanese Law Society. The Jamaica Library Service could be as good a place as any to find out more about Jarcho Levin Syndrome.

Jean-Baptiste Elissalde (Toulouse & France) – JBE
Fans of the NFL’s Pittsburgh Steelers will be more interested than most in the worthy efforts of one of its favourite sons, by way of Jerome Bettis Enterprises. Jacksonville Beach Elementary sounds like a soon-to-be-released Disney film, full of annoying American teens. Annoying in a more cultural way are the namby-pamby boys and girls of the Junior Ballet Ensemble. The intriguingly sounding Jitter Buffer Emulator puts the lid on an interesting bunch.

Jean-Luc Joinel (Brive & France) – JLJ
It’s definitely a case of quality not quantity for this little offering. The Japan Lumber Journal is the only publication of any merit if timber in Tokyo is your thing. Looking for the latest from the local legal scene in the largest city in Rajasthan?  If you are, get yourself down to the local book shop and snap up a copy of the Jaipur Law Journal. Fans of Chicago-based publications may well list the Jack London Journal as one of their favourites. Then again, they may not. Who are we to pre-judge such a vital issue?

Jean-Marc Doussain (Toulouse & France) – JMD
Juvenile Macular Degeneration sounds quite nasty and I hope my children never develop it, whatever it is. I’d be much happier if les petits Mutuels honed their card tricks and tried their luck studying for a Junior Magicians Diploma. Sticking with the kids’ theme, I hope mine never get lost in deepest, darkest Sumatra and rely on others to decipher their pleas of help by way of a Jungle Message Decoder. I also hope they never have to face a grilling from the Justice Management Division.

Jean-Baptiste Lafond (Racing Club & France) – JBL
We head east for the final time to slam dunk with the finest that make up the Japan Basketball League. Afficianados of grunt and grapple will be only too aware of professional wrestler John Bradshaw Leyfield’s signature move. The body known as Jewish Business Leaders is the only one for all budding entrepreneurs of Israeli descent. The Jamuna Bank Limited is one of Bangladesh’s premier banking institutions. The same is true of Jefferson Bus Lines, a company founded in 1919 and that prides itself on having a rich history of civic and philanthropic involvement in the communities it serves – and you thought it just took you home after a day’s shopping!

Philippe Saint-Andre (Montferrand & France) – PSA
When Biarritz’s American international flyer Takudzwa Ngwenya returns home for the summer, he could well choose Pacific Southwest Airlines as his metal bird of choice. Without wanting to second guess Takudzwa’s off-the-field hobbies too much, it’s entirely feasible he may be a country member of the Phoenix Shooters Association. Lexicon lovers in Lahore flock in their droves to become members of the Pakistan Scrabble Association. The Professional Skaters Association and Professional Squash Association alike do their bit for elite performers. Budding best men will be all too aware of the common affliction that’s otherwise known as Public Speaking Anxiety. Your guess is as good as ours as to the merits or otherwise of Potentiometric Stripping Analysis, whilst the Puget Soundkeeper Alliance is almost as vague. The Philipine Statistical Association is the preferred body of choice for Manila’s number crunchers. We end this latest offering of acronym anarchy on a real high, thanks to Pot Smokers America.